Then and now

Who was I ?

I was a wife, friend, mother, daughter and a sister, a aunt.

I was an employee, volunteer, carpool mom.

I was a hang out by the water cooler kinda gal.

I was a TV watcher, book reader, knitter.

I was a neighbor, chatty Kathy, friendly to all.

I was a shopper, deal finder, looker.

I was a thinker, confident, skilled.

I was supportive, listener, coffee pal.

I was silly and sassy, myself.

I was active, skinner (sometimes).

I was liked, needed and enjoyed.

I had purpose, wit, and knowledge.

I had a smile, a laugh, a purpose.

Who am I now?

I am a stranger in a foreign country, an American.

I only speak English.

I can’t grasp German. I’m trying but failing.

I am still a wife, friend, mother…daughter and a sister and aunt.

~I’m a wife that sole purpose is to support, cook, clean, do the errands, be happy and never tired.

~I’m a virtual friend.

~I’m a mother, some days better than others.

~I’m a daughter from afar. One that can’t be there to help or celebrate with, or need.

~I’m a sister from afar. One that is on a different time zone and available in virtual world, not a shoulder to lean on or commiserate with, shop with, have lunch with.

~I’m an aunt that misses the birthdays, graduations, school plays and sporting events.

I am not working for the first time in my adult life. No desire to volunteer,

I am without a car, the desire to just go is gone. It takes too much effort.

I have limited access to TV in English, never knit anymore, read blogs and a few books.

My neighborhood is older it’s like a retirement village minus the golf carts and mall walkers. I live in the outskirts of the city more in the country. This city is small not a large American community.

I only shop for food, why because the cost is high and the selection is low, and the need is gone.

My brain no longer consist of knowledge, current events, skills…it’s hollow. My memory is fading…it only consist of my thoughts.

I am less active, fatter, silent.

Do I smile? Yes but it is less and less.

Do I laugh? Sometimes

Do I cry? You bet

Am I lonely? For sure

I’m not asking for sympathy or understanding. I know this is an amazing opportunity for my family. I know it has afforded us to travel to amazing places. I know many would love to be in my spot. I have nothing against Germany or Germans. Yes it is different here, it’s not America it’s Germany. Yes the culture is different and the language difficult. I don’t mean to come across poor me or Germans this or the Germans that.

I’m not saying America or Americans are better it’s not about that. It’s about me and how I’m handling living here. I don’t need anyone to fix this or suggest do this or that. Please just know it’s not like being on vacation, yes it’s beautiful but so is your backyard. It’s just hard and I’m losing myself here….I’m not the person I used to be, not the person I thought I’d be, not the person I want to be.

Knowing this is not home forever helps. I believe that home is where your heart is…mine is spread out. Is living in American the answer for me to be me again. I believe the answer is yes.